My heart

There is no sweeter pleasure in life, in my opinion, than a newly born babe in your arms. Newborns are my very favorite people; slimy, cheesy, sometimes bloody, fresh from the vagina newborns. I have been blessed to find my path in life that brings me to many of them. People just a few seconds old have passed into my hands, however briefly, for their mamas to resituate, to recover, to learn to pass them to dad.

Tomorrow, my Alex is turning 15, at precisely 1:59 pm. As if it were yesterday, I can see his milky blue eyes looking into mine as if to say "WTH??!! What's up with this? I didn't ask for this!" Being a first time mom, I didn't question the doctor who said "They'll take him to the nursery, clean him up, warm him, and bring him back". It was as if someone had taken my heart to the nursery. Dragging my leaky, exhausted body out of the bed, I trudged down the hall, leaving quite the messy trail, to reclaim 'my heart'. "He's not breathing well, we need to keep him" the nurse stated, fully expecting me to retreat. I pushed past her, and positioned myself by the warmer. Eventually, they gave up, put a towel under my feet, and left me alone. After they were satisfied that he would inhale and exhale, they were glad to be rid of the pair of us.

Back in the room, a little delayed, I put his skin to mine and drank his presence into my soul. Never had I loved anyone like I loved this 6 pounds of boy. My heart tore open, and love reserved for just Alex poured into his being. We were the only people on the planet...in the universe. Only we existed. Air and water took on secondary importance in my life. The nurses were unable to remove him from my body, no matter what policies they stated. I was a mom; I was Alex's mommy.

I am still Alex's mom, even though he resents my position rather than delights in it. I am learning to let go of this amazing person a little at a time, and pull him back when necessary. Sometimes, at night, when I go into his room and check on him (to be sure he hasn't snuck out to TP the principal's house, more than to be sure he's covered and breathing), I can still catch a glimpse of that tiny baby who, alone, ruled my heart so many years ago.

Happy birthday, Alex. I am proud of the young man you are becoming, and still love you with all of my heart ~