violated

After 6+ months of hip pain during walking/cycling, I decided that is wasn't going to jusst go away. Diagnosis: Bursitis. Great. I've just turned 40 and my body is failing already. Exploration of treatment options landed me in the quick-fix first; a shot of cortisone directly into the joint. The very thought of it was nauseating, but with a trek around the Ohio State Fair looming just days ahead, it seemed the best route.

This morning, injection day, the queasiness hit. Why in the world was I being SUCH a baby? I was in tears thinking of what was to come. Sitting in the doctor's office, and wishing I'd had a valium margarita for breakfast, my heart was pounding out of my chest. Where was this fear coming from? The utter dread of this needle was not typical; not for me.

After a few OH MY GOD!!s, the procedure was over. On the drive home, it hit me. I hadn't had a needle in my body since Caden was born. Caden's birth was traumatic, and I'm still healing from it. I had a total flashback to this time. The violations to my body were numerous, and , some, without consent. I was so angry and scared that my beautiful homebirth had turned into this medically managed freak show that I have forever scars on my heart...and, sometimes, an unrelated event will irritate them.

Thankfully, my loving Jon was there, to talk and make it all better with lunch at the Levy House . The blessing of a sweet, supportive family is mine, and I thank God for their healing and His in my life.

My heart

There is no sweeter pleasure in life, in my opinion, than a newly born babe in your arms. Newborns are my very favorite people; slimy, cheesy, sometimes bloody, fresh from the vagina newborns. I have been blessed to find my path in life that brings me to many of them. People just a few seconds old have passed into my hands, however briefly, for their mamas to resituate, to recover, to learn to pass them to dad.

Tomorrow, my Alex is turning 15, at precisely 1:59 pm. As if it were yesterday, I can see his milky blue eyes looking into mine as if to say "WTH??!! What's up with this? I didn't ask for this!" Being a first time mom, I didn't question the doctor who said "They'll take him to the nursery, clean him up, warm him, and bring him back". It was as if someone had taken my heart to the nursery. Dragging my leaky, exhausted body out of the bed, I trudged down the hall, leaving quite the messy trail, to reclaim 'my heart'. "He's not breathing well, we need to keep him" the nurse stated, fully expecting me to retreat. I pushed past her, and positioned myself by the warmer. Eventually, they gave up, put a towel under my feet, and left me alone. After they were satisfied that he would inhale and exhale, they were glad to be rid of the pair of us.

Back in the room, a little delayed, I put his skin to mine and drank his presence into my soul. Never had I loved anyone like I loved this 6 pounds of boy. My heart tore open, and love reserved for just Alex poured into his being. We were the only people on the planet...in the universe. Only we existed. Air and water took on secondary importance in my life. The nurses were unable to remove him from my body, no matter what policies they stated. I was a mom; I was Alex's mommy.

I am still Alex's mom, even though he resents my position rather than delights in it. I am learning to let go of this amazing person a little at a time, and pull him back when necessary. Sometimes, at night, when I go into his room and check on him (to be sure he hasn't snuck out to TP the principal's house, more than to be sure he's covered and breathing), I can still catch a glimpse of that tiny baby who, alone, ruled my heart so many years ago.

Happy birthday, Alex. I am proud of the young man you are becoming, and still love you with all of my heart ~